my favorite post revisited for you to enjoy again....

Better Support

originally published in summer 2006

I have come to the conclusion that I need some better support.

Not in parenting, not in my friendship circle, not in my running regime......

in my boobs.

I vowed that I would never be that mom. You know the one. The one that comes to playgroup/library/playground/Thrifty Foods with her brood in designer garb, all decked out, looking like they are making a quick stop on the way to a movie premier or something equally glamorous. Mom, however, is looking a little less than made up. A bit harried, with a comb not touching the hair that is not visible in the bathroom mirror, clothes a bit wrinkled, flip-flops being the shoe of choice......and worse of all fashion faux-pas.....her bra held up with a safety pin.

I am this close to being that mom. Just a safety pin away.

How is it that mom rationalle prevents us from spending money on ourselves? On essentials? I have no issues spending money on really little cute jeans for my 2-year old. Nor do I have any issues with spending $40 on a new backpack to grace the shoulders of my 7 year old on her return to school. I do, however, balk at the highway robbery of prices that they can get away with charging for a bra. I have two. One is the "turtlenecks" of bras. You know the kind. The Huge, mother-of-all bras, no chance of escape here, really big and bulky. It is the one that I wear on a regular basis. (not by choice, keep reading). The other is a demi-cup. The one that presumes to be sexy, with coverage of only half your boob. Mine was not bought as a demi-cup. I grew. It evolved into a new entity. One on which does not cover, nor does it support, it just...well...I am not exactly sure what it's purpose is. I only wear this one when I am waiting for the turtleneck one to dry.

This is not rocket science girlfriend. (maybe it is, have you seen the pointy-arrow boobies of the 1950's? complete with darts and take off devices...maybe it is rocket science) It is a piece of material that will defy the laws of gravity and put my "girls" to their pre-baby height of yesteryear. Not too big of a task. I mean, if you can put a man on the moon, one would like to believe that you can return the boobs to their place of honor.

Maybe too much to ask.

So, I am prepared this time. No kids to bring to the bra-shop for me. It is all too fresh in my mind what happened last time I brought my kids. The older one thought that it was an all-you-can-eat buffet from my purse of treats, and my younger one saw the boobs unleashed and thought that it was an all-you-can-eat-buffet from me. Not a good time in the change room for me. I will go get measured, and convince myself that spending money on me is a good thing.

Because do you know what I don't want for Christmas this year? National Geographic boobies of the saggy-tribe of who knows where in Africa. Nope, crossed that one off my wish list.

I'll take some new panties to go with my new bras. Lord knows, I won't be able to afford both.

Hving it all together means knowing where your purse is.....

Do you judge how your mood is by what possessions you have? Do you look to others and compare? Shamefully, I have done this.

Then my birthday came around. Now, sadly, when you are an adult you do not have parties, with streamers, and balloons, and pin-the-tail on the donkey games (at least not with anyone other than your husband later on that evening.....) and definitely NOT goody bags.

My birthday was a big "punch in the face" to me on how great my girlfriends here are.

They facebooked me.

They brought me flowers to school.

They picked their kiddies up early from daycare so that my "weekend" could begin.

In a word, they cared.

Now, I have the "chosen" few girlfriends. The ones here that I count as my friends would be there for me whenever, where ever, whatever the reason. They tell me when I look fabulous, and when I need my highlights touched up. They poke fun at me when I drive up in the tan-van overflowing with daycare kiddies. They encourage me. They aid in my growth and learning. They put me in my place, and laugh at my jokes. They truly are all my favorites.

I love their individuality. They each possess separate and unique attributes that make them who I need at the time. One is the most amazing and gifted card maker and crafty gal, which in an instant I knew I missed out in not knowing her in 1989 when I had the first chance. One has amazing knowledge of all things musical and theater and art. One has the uncanny ability to make me laugh. One always has the most delicious tea and sunlight pouring in her kitchen in which we spend many an hour talking while our kids play together. One in which I trust her judgment and ability to assess a situation and then tell me that it is not always about me. One has three kids, the youngest is only 6 months and sweats like a mad woman with me at cardio kick box two times a week.

The only thing that each of my friends have in common is that they each love me.

I have it all.

Twilight......

During my hiatus, I read Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight. Apparently it is a requirement of being a thirty-something housewife (it’s on the list right between “make ironic references to eighties pop” and “own yoga pants”). No doubt you are quite tired of hearing about the book by now, but hey! that’s precisely why I have a blog! Otherwise I would call my sister even more than I already do, and she might start screening me.



This makes me laugh. Outloud.

I am not sure which part though, the part in which I am a `thirty something housewife`or the fact that the writer (Toddled Dredge) has a sister that she phones often as well......

I am reading Twilight. And loving it.

It is kind of like the `VC Andrews of my adulthood......`` but mostly it is fluff reading as my friend so nicely puts it. You can read it, put it down ( if you can.....) and pick it up and know exactly where you are. No heavy plot. No 10,000 characters that have their own sub plot......just good reading.

I can hardly wait until I am done. I need to know what happens. I am in book four, in a great part, and sadly, cannot devote enough time to it as of late.....so me and my book retire early to bed to read and read and read.

And when I am done, Roger bought me The Watchmen to read.....

Just some photos for you.....

Quinners (in pink) at Dance class

Ribbons are the favorite time of the class....

Finally showing her face...

Hayley's mad dash off the spring board into the foam pit.

One of my fave photos of her as of late. A natural smile, having fun.

Not much is going on in the Beaulieu clan. Winter seems to be taking its own damn time leaving, and even though our crocuses are up and in royal purple glory, we are still wearing a winter coat most days. I know that I should not even mention that the flowers are up here, as my friends in the great white north of BC are buried under feet upon feet of snow.....but there in lies the reason why they are THERE and I am HERE.

March is the month of birthdays here, with HP's on the 2nd. We had a party age nine style, with seeing the Jonas Brothers 3D concert at the movie theater, and having a webkinz kind of goody bag. The guests all loved it, and were SILENT throughout the movie. I think that it is because one of the brothers took off their shirts.....eye candy for nine year olds.

Then it is mine - then Roger's and then on the 30th it is Quinn's. She wants a build a bear party, so that should knock another dent out of the wallet. Not that our family does anything half way - no we NEED to have all our birthdays in the same month!

I am busy reading the Twilight series, and shamefully, loving it. It is a great read.

Not much else is going on. Melanie, does this suffice?

Oh, ya, I am off to cardio kickbox 2 times a week for the month of march....and then will be in seriously kicking some butt.....sadly....my own.

Saving the best

HP, Quinners, and my niece- Cadie- and myself in December

Who do you save your best for? Is it for company? The daycare moms that come to pick up at the end of the day?

Is it for your OWN children?

I am questioning this a bit as of late. I know that my children mean the world to me. I know that I am blessed beyond measure of even having the possibility of being their mom. I know that they are precious, strong and resilient.

But do I save the best of ME for them? Or do they get stuck with leftovers?

For me, it is easier to have the mean voice with my own children than with the daycare kiddies. I know that I have the opportunity to be better - to make better choices, to speak softer, to love louder and hug harder. Do I take the opportunities given to me though?

We have "huggies and kissies" every night when HP and Quinners and myself talk about our day. We talk about the good and the bad. Our favorites. Usually their faves are when someone shared a toy at preschool or if HP gets a turn on the whirley-twirley at school. My faves are when the laundry makes it into the bin or someone brought their dish into the kitchen.

If I look at my life, in faves, my faves should ALWAYS be being their mom. Not that they went to bed so I can have some quiet time. Not that they ate their lunch so I don't have to waste food and throw it away. Not that they came when they were called - but instead played until they did not want to anymore and then came in to see me.

I need to love well. I am in love with my kids - but am working on saving the best love for them.

After all - they save their best love for me. Every day.

On love and reruns on tv

Do you think marriage changes a person, or do you think that a person changes marriage?

That is a tough one. All I know is that since meeting and marrying Roger (the latter is only 2 months old, so I speak from all of my 5 week experience) - my "person" has changed.

Marriage is a promise that you make to each other every day. With Roger, this is what I promise:

1) I promise to listen to you talk about GI Joes - but don't ask me a question in a quiz - I am not listening THAT close.

2) I promise to agree that EVERY colour/shade/spectrum of the rainbow has green shades in it. Even when it does not. But you see it that way, and refuse to realize that white is not green. Nor is black. Green is green.

3) I promise to pick up your towel - if you pick up mine. Usually it is mine on the floor as you are too damn neat for your own good.

4) I promise to not tell anyone about the less than flattering photos of yourself if you promise not to share with the facebook world any of me in less than perfect posture.

5) I promise to be the driver, if you let me pick my music once in a while.

6) I promise to let you be the head of the family - as long as you know that I am the neck. As everyone knows - the neck supports the head and allows it to turn when it wants!

7) I promise to scan the isles of Toys R Us when you want.

8) I promise to always love you, listen to you, and hold your hand.

Roger really is the best. He allows me to be me. He lets me win arguments. He bought us a house and allowed me free reign of decorating it. He knows that I love hanging out with the girls, going to the gym, seeing my friends and having baths. He lets me do it all without complaining, or interrupting. I really do love him. He is one of the few individuals in my "now" friend life that has seen photo evidence of me at over 185 pounds. He thinks I still looked great. (We got him some glasses after that!).

Marriage the second time around is different. You know what you are getting into. I know that I fell in mad love with a frog. Who is a prince. But, man, can he be a frog when he wants to. He also knows that I am a beeotch when the moon is at a certain height, and he stays clear. In fact, he takes the girls and the dog away from the house to protect them too. But, we do the dishes together every night. We watch bad tv. We talk, we read, we sing in the van - usually to kid songs, but I digress. We are comfortable with each other, but not ever complacent. I know when he needs to be alone, and I also know when he has been alone ENOUGH and come and get him to join us.

For those of you that saw the frog and the princess get married on December 6th know that there does not need to be an answer to the question. Love is really all the answer you need.

Want perspective? Get a bikini wax.....

Perspective on life. Most days I think I have it together, and others, like last Thursday - make me want to curl up in a ball, type my resume and find work in a cubicle.

Running a day care is tough. Tough because little ones depend on you for everything. You are a role model, so heaven forbid one of them catch you picking your nose or having chips and chip dip for lunch. Chaos would ensue and then all of them would be booger-picking-double-dipping ankle biters.

I am striving for balance this year. Everything in life should be about moderation. Like a big T-bone steak pairs well with a glass of wine - then take the dog around the block kind of moderation. Balance is important. Finding just the right amount of afterschool activities for the kiddies to be involved in. Playing outside until you can still feel your toes. Dressing just enough polly pockets in rubber clothes to make it still fun. And taking full advantage of dropping everyone off at school and being in the van - ALONE.

This happened today. A blissful three hours before I had to be back. I had to choose my time wisely. I could go to Starbucks and have a tea and read the paper. I could go to the gym and zone out while listening to my ipod. I could browse those stores I love, fingering the clothes but not buying anything. I could read. I could have a bath.

I chose to go and get a bikini wax. Yep. While I am alone, and without children, I opt to have the small hairs ripped out in my nether region while listening to calming music. All the while not having any pants on.

It is so much better than where else we as females go and take off our pants and have others examine out nether regions. That is not at all relaxing.

Ohm.

Pocketful of Memories

So today Roger had to go to the attic - so I thought while he was up there I would get a box of clothes for Quinn. This box had been packed up when Hayley was four, in hopes that another girl would grace our doorway and be able to wear all the cute clothes.

What I did not prepare myself for is that when the Rubbermaid container was opened, a stream of memories would pour out and engulf me for a great portion of the afternoon.

These clothes came from a time when it was only Hayley and me. First item out was a pair of chocolate brown corduroy overalls. Hayley was obsessed with pink and these overalls just did not cut it as far as she was concerned as there was not a pink thread in site. So I sewed Ric-rack ribbon throughout all the top bibbing, as well as added pink buttons. She wore them all the time.

Now they were in my hand, and in one of the pockets was the button that I took off to put on the pink ones. I still remember that day, we were fed, bills were paid, but no money. It was like this every month, but yet, I did not care. We did bead necklaces, we read books, she learned to ride her bike inside the apartment, we ate at the kiddie craft table, and we were happy. These overalls held all these positive memories, and now, hopefully Quinn will wear them and create new memories in them

Throughout the entire tote were items of clothing such as this one. A skirt that Hayley wore every day that it was clean. A t-shirt that said "I love mom", a purple vest, her preschool coat (this one had NO buttons!), her LUGZ boots that were a hand-me-down from the boy next door, her "DR. SUESS" stripy pants, and a pretty summer dress. Quinn went through the box in amazement that they were Hayley's , and also that now they are hers.

Quinn has worn a lot of Hayley's hand me downs. This is not the first box of treasures that came down and were used again. Yet, somehow, this one hit me right square in the heart.

I think of how lucky that I am. How blessed I am. I was not a single parent to Hayley for long. She still saw her dad, but at this time, neither he nor I were on speaking terms. I met Roger, and in time, we had Quinn. Both Hayley's dad and I learned to forgive each other.

I am blessed with two great girls. With food in my fridge. With the bills paid. With a small amount of money in my account between paydays. I am blessed with good health. With two girls that are the center of each other lives. I am blessed to hold hands with my best friend every day. I wear my past as a badge of honor. I am strong. Strong enough to leave a relationship that I knew was fruitless. Strong enough to trust someone with my heart again.

I am blessed with memories, both good and bad. They encompass my heart and soul, and without them I would be a shell of a person. They made me who I am.

Funny how it took a Rubbermaid tote for me to revisit these memories, and see how I have come to peace with them.

A trip to the attic created a trip down memory lane.

We should be thankful they say please.....

Mouth like a sailor. Potty mouth. Gettin' it washed out with soap. Don't talk like that around your mother. Pardon my French (ha, this one is really true - Roger IS French). Watch your language....

The list goes on.

My two girls are pretty girls. Not that I am biased. They are put together. They wear clean clothes and have their hair combed. They brush their teeth and are polite.

At least that is the facade that I fell in.

On the playground, Quinn is running around and climbing the bridge to go down the slide. Her dainty foot slips and out of her mouth come...."oh nuts!". hmmmm

She is playing at home when one of her polly pockets is not co-operating with the intense story line and plot that is unfolding. Out of her precious, kissable lips comes....."oh, SNAP!"

She is coming to the dinner table, hands washed, ready to tackle any food that comes her way, sees that is is NOT pasta and out of her lips comes....."oh dang".

That is just my youngest. On to the older, wiser, more worldly one.

Fart.

Fooey.

Shoot.

Dang it.

Fiddle sticks.

Oh the language in my house.

At least they both say please and thank you. And apologize to me after the bad language.

What would my heart do if I had boys?

Dust squared

So in a weak moment, Roger and I decided to re-do our very outdated bathrooms. They had yellow rose tiles, and pee stained floors, peeling doors on an outdated vanity, and the worse part - celestial painting throughout. The baby was so bright that it left an imprint on your corneal lens when you closed your eyes you could still see the exact color.

So we took the plunge. Really what that stems down to is this. You open your bank account and allow the reno gods to take all your money and don't even wait until you have lipstick on to *F* you out of it.

Sad, but true story.

No reno has gone as plans. In no house, in no time zone, in no family has a house reno: A) stuck to budget....B) was flawless.....C) produced sex at the end of the night. What it does produce is this....

1) dust beyond anything one can imagine
2) knowledge of all isles at Home Depot, Rona and Canadian Tire
3) conversations that revolve around sub floors, toilet paper rolls and other mind numbing things
4) four people sharing a bathroom located in the master bedroom, unflushed toilets and toothpaste gobs in the sink
5) excitement when we pick out a toilet that has a half-flush capibility
6) removal of your newlywed hubby for nights on end
7) huffing and puffing in bed, but not because of anything hot and heavy, but because you had to remove the drywall piece before you could go to sleep
8) constant draft because the attic is exposed
9) the decision that "while we are at it" then produces a closet overhaul
10) two toilets, two vanities, various bits and pieces, rubbish and crap in the backyard
11) realization that this is alright, because it is not in your house anymore
12) did I mention that there is dust everywhere?

Reno, be done.

Forever Sundays...

Sometimes I wish that the weekends would not end. Sometimes. This weekend was one of those times.

So often I go through my weekends as busy as I spend my weeks. Doing laundry, going to "activities", driving to the grocery store, cleaning, paying bills, not sleeping in....you know the drill...no change from Monday to Friday.

This weekend, however, seemed different. I still did all the above "stuff", but managed to fit in a movie on Sunday afternoon with a friend, some time on the computer, some time reading, and a trip to the gym. Even with all this, it did not seem busy. It seemed, somehow, right.

Roger and Mel were busy with the bathroom renovation (photos on facebook) and I just busied myself with the other household necessities. Maybe it was because I knew that Roger was busy doing his own thing, the pressure was off to entertain.....maybe.

Maybe it is because I felt no need to do anything. No housebound cabin fever. No restlessness shopping need. No "burning a hole in my pocket" to spend money. Just contentment. This weekend was bliss.

Now, how to carry it over into the week and I would have the full answer to the question.

Until then, let it be Sunday forever.

Mr Right, and Mrs. Always Right

This is from two years ago - today

I found this older post, and so I thought I would see how I did in a the two years - the bold is what I do - did- or am in the process of doing....


I have been tagged, so here it goes.


1. hug my girls every day - yep, do this
2. have Hayley read to me each night - now it is chapter books!
3. listen, really listen... (I still interrupt, but am working on this....)
4. tell my loved ones how I feel (every day - they are grossed out about it)
5. embrace my Celiac, and know that it is a part of me (yep, this is done!)
6. tell my mom how I feel about how she raised me, she did a grand job and needs to know (yep)
7. get to know Roger's family ...(sure glad I did this, as we said goodbye to his dad and his sister in four short months....you just NEVER know...)
8. plan our "day" the Vegas way (we planned our day different, got married in the house we bought, and would not change a thing!)
9. find the dress I love to wear that day (I loved my dress, it was ME to a TEE, and I wore it all night long!)
10. scrap book more (have completed three albums, numerous presents, and learned the art of card making.....thank you Jody!)
11. scrap less (as in fight, and sadly, I still fight, I just learned how to make up different.....both Roger and I agree...to disagree on things....)
12. talk to others how I wish to be talked to (I am working on this as well)
13. ask for help (I am asking, but more importantly, I am taking on less and enjoying life more!)
14. actually take an interest in GI Joes (god help me) (not so much....but I have learned to accept it)
15. get a tattoo (3rd one) (yep, on my wrist,it is a band and it says, "lover, daughter, mom, celiac, friend" - that about sums it up about who I am)
16. open my mind to new ideas (the Secret, Taoism, new authors, boot camp....)
17. hang out with Liz more (sadly, this friendship came to an end)
18. work less at Moxies (I quit!)
19. pay off a debt (we are debt free.....other than our 150K mortgage on our 325K townhouse)
20. walk to school with Hayley more (no walking since we moved to our new house)
21. learn to do the monkey bars with her (I can do this, and my chiropractor thanks me for the business)
22. learn to bake gluten-free (mastered this as well, with a new bread maker, Kitchen Aid and cookbooks....)
23. don't buy as many clothes (nope, still a vice...)
24. live simply (I would say yes, things don't make me happy, my family does.)
25. see more of my neighbourhood (we had so much fun exploring our new neighbourhood since the move!)
26. see more of my city (bus rides into the city only makes me see more homeless people....sad)
27. enrich myself in the arts (hmm, I have an artsy friend, we have new art in our house, does this count?)
28. deny negativity (positive thoughts bring about positive results and rewards....)
29. be an optimist (my wine glass is half full.....)
30. learn to smile again (my smile is perfect and I love how it affected my health and outlook.)
31. learn to love my hair (eek) (it has purple in it, and I get complimented on it all the time - thank you Holly!)
32. buy second hand when at all possible (yeppers)
33. denounce Walmart as an acceptable place to shop (we don't shop there anymore whenever possible)
34. support small businesses (we are trying to)
35. get to know my nieces (I love both Cadie and Emily, and I have a new niece or nephew coming in March!)
36. introduce Hayley and Quinn to their cousins (loads of times now - summers in Quesnel are the best)
37. hang out with Missy and Tanya more (they are still my fave, and both have added onto our family)
38. eat something new (we eat new things, but my fave "new thing" is goat cheese!)
39. date Roger (would he have to get to second base then?)
40. watch "Breakfast at Tiffanys" (did this too.....)
41. get a new digital camera (two in fact, and I love them both!)
42. buy a new piece of pottery from a Farmer's Market (mmmm, pottery, love it!)
43. buy Organic (we had a food box delivery of all organic once a month....)
44. eat more vegetarian food (funny, this is still a goal....)
45. hike Mt. Finlayson (nope, not yet, but did Mt. Tolmie twice in boot camp....)
46. camp ONCE in a tent with the girls (nope, not yet)
47. visit Tofino again (sadly, no)
48. be pampered at the spa (regularly now....)
49. have my taxes done by an accountant (have to with the home based business...)
50. potty train Quinn (omg, this is sooooo done)
51. ride my bike with Hayley (yep, and I pull Quinn in the chariot behind)
52. beat ROger at bowling on the Nintedo Wii (and hula hooping, and Wii fit....)
53. build a deck out back (our new house has a deck! and we spend a lot of time on it)
54. cherish friends (I can honestly say I do this....)
55. ask for help (learning....)
56. learn to not be embarrassed about my teeth (they are fixed, and I love them!)
57. paint our bedroom (in the new house, we have painted everything!)
58. go to Saxe Pointe and take photos (yes...so pretty!)
59. savour an ice cream cone (well, not the cone per Se.....)
60. worry less (should I be worried about this?)
61. laugh more (yep, every day!)
62. let loose (on the dance floor? in the bedroom? I was not sure where I was going with this one?)
63. be slow to anger (I think so.....but I have less to be angry about)
64. drink tea more, and coffee less (but but coffee is so good....)
65. friends : re-unite myself to them (I have new friends, and I love them, as well as my cherished old faithfuls....)
66. be a better friend (I think I would say yes, I am a better friend, as I am older, wiser, and am surrounded myself with great friends to role model after!)
67. skate with Hayley (still don't like this, but I have done it!)
68. read "All the Hippos go Berserk" every night to Quinn (her fave) (we read, and she knows this one off by heart!)
69. go to Fairview (still not yet....)
70. plan our summer holiday (holidays every summer!)
71. smile, with my new smile (check, done this!)
72. hold hands with Roger more (but his hands are clammy.....)
73. run the Garden City 10k (or at least run) (running lots, and loving it!)
74. roller blade (not so much....)
75. forgive Earl (yes, and my counseling bill is here to prove it)
76. file for divorce (done)
77. scrapbook my album about me (done)
78. update my will (done)
79. recycle more (boring, but done)
80. drive less (absolutely not, still the only one that drives in this family!)
81. listen to more music (does Hannah Montana count?)
82. update my Ipod (yes, and it is rockin' music!)
83. learn to live on a budget (sort of....)
84. BUT - buy some kick ass shoes (still looking for that pair...)
85. be happy with what I have (very)
86. increase Celiac awareness (yes, I believe I have done this)
87. volunteer more (yes)
88. go to the library more (yes, currently have overdue fines as well....damn budget)
89. get to know Hayley at school (love her teachers, they are great!)
90. garden again (this is also true!)
91. ask my mom to help me with my flowers (work in progress, but I am interested)
92. take more photos (gawd, yes)
93. in turn - scrapbook the memories (well, I am not caught up, but am doing this!)
94. play silly games (like hula hooping on the Wii?)
95. have a manicure and pedicure before the summer (yes!)
96. go to the movies (we try to go more, Roger still has me beat on this one)
97. pay a babysitter (we love Emma!)
98. love myself (I can say I do, I love me!)
99. love my partner (we said our "I do's" and I meant it!) he is my best friend!
100. love my kids (but not during the "witching hour" please?)
101. forgive, forget, move forward (what is true in biology is also true in life, if it is not living it is dead)

I have done well in two years!

Liquid Sunshine

Typical Wednesday around here. A mad rush to get the girls to school, drinking my lukewarm coffee in the van while it is pouring rain out, drop one off at her school, and then off to preschool with Quinn.

So far nothing out of the ordinary.

At preschool, however, this is about to change. I met one of my daycare families there and the little guy gave me a totally warm smile - something that is tough to coax out of him on the best of days let alone when his dad is there and he is about to say goodbye. Sunshine on a rainy day.

Then, one of my daycare families (the mom is on mat leave with the most gorgeous little girl that you can imagine) has a son at the same preschool. He came over to me and told me his missed my house! Another ray of sunshine.

Then I go out to the van, baby in tow for a morning of chores, laundry, emptying the dishwasher and getting ready for the inundation of kiddies when school is finished, and there is a parcel on my seat of my van. It is a cookbook, "Deceptively Delicious" by Jessica Seinfeld. The note inside read, "for being who you are, you deserve a special something" - from a friend.

This was the rainbow of the day.

Note to self, continue to leave the van unlocked, for you never know when a special something may end up on your seat.

Although the rain continues to come down, with little thought to my hairstyle and soggy coat, my day is full of happy thoughts and my heart is full knowing that I have made a difference in other people's lives.

Annual Ponder Day

I ponder.

Usually three or four days after the beginning of the New Year. There is not very much in the way of "specialness" going on. Open houses have been attended. Presents have been opened. Tree is put away. House is clean (does anyone else think that it looks much bigger now the tree is gone?). School is beginning again after the winter break. In our case here on the island, snow has even been shoveled. Christmas here has come and gone. New Year's Eve and New Year's day are finished, and whether you whooped it up, went to bed, or in our case, played the Wii - it is done.

It is the Sunday before everything settles into its normal state again.

It is too early to break my resolutions, and too late to bake for Christmas.

But it is not totally down time. My Sunday afternoon walk showed me that life is moving on. I know this to be true because faith tells me that under all the muddy snow, buds of life are appearing, as well as the stirrings in my roots as well. The days are already longer.

To ponder, to me, is not to brood or grieve or even to meditate. It is to wonder at a deep level.

I pondered my childhood. It was full of love, of riding bikes, of staying out late, playing in the neighbourhood, Kinsmen and Kinettes, and swimming pools. It was full of cereal before bed, coming home for lunch, and daycare kiddies that came to my house (funny how life turns out!). It was full of not wanting to share my toys with my brother, of wanting to sleep downstairs, of holidays with relatives. It was, on so many levels, the typical 1970's childhood. But it was mine.

I pondered my highschool years. But not for long. Looking back, they were riddled with tears, broken friendships, and bad hair. But I digress, as I am not going to grieve - I am here to ponder. I know that it could have been better. But then again, hindsight is always 20/20.

Now, in my late 30's, I almost unconsciously promise myself the same.

I can do better.

My resolution is to change this thought pattern around.

I AM BETTER.

I am stronger. I am wiser. I am older. I am in a different stage of my life. I am in love. I am loved. I am healthy. I am trusted. I am trustworthy. I am a friend. I have friends. I am intelligent enough to not repeat mistakes. I am worth it.

I AM BETTER.