Annual Ponder Day

I ponder.

Usually three or four days after the beginning of the New Year. There is not very much in the way of "specialness" going on. Open houses have been attended. Presents have been opened. Tree is put away. House is clean (does anyone else think that it looks much bigger now the tree is gone?). School is beginning again after the winter break. In our case here on the island, snow has even been shoveled. Christmas here has come and gone. New Year's Eve and New Year's day are finished, and whether you whooped it up, went to bed, or in our case, played the Wii - it is done.

It is the Sunday before everything settles into its normal state again.

It is too early to break my resolutions, and too late to bake for Christmas.

But it is not totally down time. My Sunday afternoon walk showed me that life is moving on. I know this to be true because faith tells me that under all the muddy snow, buds of life are appearing, as well as the stirrings in my roots as well. The days are already longer.

To ponder, to me, is not to brood or grieve or even to meditate. It is to wonder at a deep level.

I pondered my childhood. It was full of love, of riding bikes, of staying out late, playing in the neighbourhood, Kinsmen and Kinettes, and swimming pools. It was full of cereal before bed, coming home for lunch, and daycare kiddies that came to my house (funny how life turns out!). It was full of not wanting to share my toys with my brother, of wanting to sleep downstairs, of holidays with relatives. It was, on so many levels, the typical 1970's childhood. But it was mine.

I pondered my highschool years. But not for long. Looking back, they were riddled with tears, broken friendships, and bad hair. But I digress, as I am not going to grieve - I am here to ponder. I know that it could have been better. But then again, hindsight is always 20/20.

Now, in my late 30's, I almost unconsciously promise myself the same.

I can do better.

My resolution is to change this thought pattern around.

I AM BETTER.

I am stronger. I am wiser. I am older. I am in a different stage of my life. I am in love. I am loved. I am healthy. I am trusted. I am trustworthy. I am a friend. I have friends. I am intelligent enough to not repeat mistakes. I am worth it.

I AM BETTER.